on...topic: humor

Monday, July 30, 2012

if Gollum sang "Call Me Maybe"

We dropped precious in our home
Hobbit came in all alone
We thought we'd gnaw on his bones
But now it's in our way

We trades our soul for a ring
All of our life for this thing
Better than if we were king
And now it's in our way

It's riddle was told and
Answer was unknown and
Bright light, Sting was glowin'
Where's it think it's going, hobbit?

Hey, we just met you
And this is crazy
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

It's hard to leave here
Wants to stay free
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

Hey, we just met you
And this is crazy
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

All of the hobbitses --
Fat little theives!
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

It took no time to get out
We took our time with our doubt
But then we figured it out
And now it's in our way

Precious was there in his hand
That power his to command
We takes it back, understand?
Now it's in our way!

It's riddle was told and
Answer was unknown and
Bright light, Sting was glowin'
Where's it think it's going, hobbit?

(chorus)

Friday, December 4, 2009

If Gollum sang Christmas songs

To the Tune of "Last Christmas"

Last Christmas, we gave it our heart
But the very next day, it gives it away (it gives it away)
This year, to save us from tears
We'll give it to something Precious (Precious)

To the Tune of "All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth"

All we wants for Christmas is our Precious back
Our Precious back...our Precious back
All we wants for Christmas is our Precious back
So we can kill nasty hobbitses!

To the Tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem"

O Little Town of Hobbiton
How much we hates them all
The hobbits fat took Precious back
We'll gets it again (goll)

To the Tune of "Happy Christmas (War is Over)"

So this is Christmas,
And what has it done?
You've taken my Precious
Stupid Hobbits think they've won.

And so happy Christmas,
We hates you (gollum)
The fat and the stupid ones
The old and the young.

And, of course...

To the Tune of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"

It better not shout,
It better not cry,
It better not pout,
We's telling it why
Santa (gollum)'s comin'...to town.

We's making a list,
It's got just one thing,
Not for you but for us,
It's our Precious ring
Santa (gollum)'s comin'...to town.

We sees you when you're sleeping,
We knows when you're awake.
We don't care if you're bad or good
We takes it back for Precious' sake!

Oh, it better not shout,
It better not cry,
It better not pout,
We's telling it why
Santa (gollum)'s comin'...to town.

Also see Gollum's take on love songs.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

self-aggrandization defined

I like the Super Bowl as much as anyone, but isn't it funny that it's like the only event that uses Roman numerals to state which in the series it is? How would this work in other areas of life?

"My wife turns XXVI this year."
"Happy III'd anniversary, honey!"
"Wow, is it really the LXXI'th National Peanut Festival this year?"

Actually, it does provide a little fun watching people who normally have nothing to do with Roman numerals do mental gyrations to figure out exactly which number it is this year.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

a normal day for me, if my life were an RPG

6:45 am: Wake up. My life points (LP) and code points (CP) are full.

6:50 am: Boss battle! Taking out the trash. Timed battle. I have to get the trash out before the trash truck comes. Succeed with time to spare.

7:30 am: Level up character (breakfast, shower, shave).

7:55 am: Board my trusty steed (my Honda). Travel to next destination: work.

8:05 am: Random battle: code error found last night. Start diagnosis of problem quickly. Enemy is a "logic bomb". Use special move "Defusion" to win battle.

8:30 am: Code points are low as a result of last battle. Use a Cherry Coke Zero from item bag. Code points replenish.

9:15 am: Random battle: two enemies - "Deployment" and "Windows Decompression". Enemies have technique "multi-step process" that casts "Slow". Employ moves "batch file" and "RAR command line" to dispatch the foes. Level up - I learn new batch processing techniques.

10:55 am: Boss battle! Release deployment. Timed battle. Boss can spawn extra code error enemies, and does so in great numbers. Halfway through the battle, see that life and code points are drastically low. Eat salad and drink a Diet Dr Pepper to restore points. Win battle just before time runs out.

1:30 pm: boss battle won, but in a FMV, I and the other member of my party (my boss) are ambushed by a Feature Creep. Finished demo is obliterated, with nothing the party can do about it.

2:10 pm: recuperating with party members, figuring out a way to handle Feature Creep. But just after we get our plan together, it's time for another...

2:45 pm: Boss Battle! "Client Demo". I lose one party member, but pick up two different ones, a fellow coder and a tester. Boss spawns code errors and mini-feature creeps. Battle drags out longer than I would have expected.

6:00 pm: Think I've defeated enemy, only to realize that this is one of those battles where the boss doesn't die. He just goes away for a little while, only to come back in a stronger form later. But for now, he's gone, and the party strikes a victory pose.

6:05 pm: Mount steed to go home. Life points will be replenished with chicken and vegetables. Hot female mage waiting at home. Feature Creep and Client Demo are still out there, but for now, life is good.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Manah "Nah, Nah"

So I tried Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper tonight. And all I can think is, "There are 11 more in there that I have to drink."

Seriously, next time I think about trying some weird flavor combination of a soft drink, pop me in the head.

But it's still better than the cherry vanilla version.

Bonus points for anyone who gets where I was going with the entry title.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

learning about new cars - the hard way

When we bought our car, it came with two keys. One was a key with a keyless entry system. The other was just a valet key. Being that Kelly will be driving the vehicle on an everyday basis, she got the former. After driving it home last, night, she decided to lock the door with the keyless entry system.

Today I was supposed to take the new car to get its license and registration taken care of (and also to show it to my co-workers, since they'll most likely never get a chance otherwise to see it). So using my valet key, I unlocked the driver-side door...and was treated to an ear-piercing wail of an alarm.

I'm becoming a bit of an alarm connoisseur. I have had our alarm in the house go off a couple of times (some even intentionally, during testing), I've had fire alarms go off in the apartment while we were trying to cook...I've gotten used to having my eardrums rattled. This one was a bit of a change of pace alarm - fairly loud, but pulsating for just that extra touch of annoyance.

Naturally, I did not expect this to have happened. So I backed away from the car, and sure enough after about 20 seconds or so it died down. Now, my key had actually unlocked the car door; I knew that much. But could I drive it now? I placed my hand on the door to open it...

The ringing of the alarm told me, no, I guess not.

Well, I got the license taken care of anyway, so now it's out of my hands. It's officially Kelly's car now, which makes my ears happy.

Monday, May 28, 2007

the number one thing the Spider-Man movies have taught me

A superhero can survive multiple blunt force traumas and even being crushed by a giant sand hand several times, but if you are impaled by something, forget about it.

Monday, July 11, 2005

If Gollum sang love songs...

I believe that it would go a little something...like this.

We's all outs of love...
We's so lost withouts it...
We knows it was right, believing for so long...

Reaching out to touch it...
We can feel so fine...
Since we...founds...it...
Looking through the eyes of love, we does.

Tomorrow morning, if it wakes up,
And the sun does not appear...
Weeeeeeee...precious, we will be here.

Precious...gots us on our knees...
Precious...we's begging, precious, please...
Precious...(gollum) won'ts it ease our worried mind...

We just called...to say...we loves it...
We just called...to say...how much we cares...(yes, precious, we does...)
We just called...to say...we loves it...
And we means it from the bottom of our heart.

And of course...

At first we was afraid...we was petrified,
Kept thinking we could never live without precious by our side,
But then we spent so many nights thinking how filthy hobbitses did us wrong,
And we grew strong,
"We'll take precious back for our own!"

And so it's back...on Baggins' hand...
We just walked by and saw him with our precious golden band.
We should have killed him then and there,
Him and the fat hobbit too.
Then we would have the precious,
And nasty hobbitses would be through!

Oh, now, we...we will survive...
Oh, as long as we knows where it is,
We knows we'll stay alive!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

see what I put up with at work?

How would you like to be just doing your job like normal, and then run into this message?

Friday, April 23, 2004

I thought only Reese Witherspoon movies did this

Packing up my car to come to Melbourne and see my family, I encountered a micro-sized Chihuahua. It couldn't have been more than five inches in length.

Then I saw its owner, a blonde girl, calling after it, "Hercules! Hercules!"

The first thought that came to mind was if she had a boyfriend who was 6'5", 250 pounds, and nicknamed "Tiny".

Monday, March 1, 2004

suit challenge

I'm currently in the Alachua Library, taking a study break, and I thought that I'd pose this question to my adoring fans (the three of you know who you are).

So I was eating lunch/dinner at Subway in Alachua this afternoon, and I made a peculiar discovery. I got a straw to go with the drink that I purchased, and as I opened it I noticed that one of the ends of the straw was sealed closed. Now, I'm not sure if this has happened to anyone else before, but it was a first-time experience for me. I started laughing at the thought of putting the sealed end in my drink, then inhaling until my face turned red, without any liquid refreshment for all my efforts.

Then, my mind really took a left turn. What if, I wondered (I always wonder in italics), someone got one of these straws and couldn't drink their drink, and in sheer anger, sued Subway? They could claim undue shame and embarrassment over not being able to use a straw (maybe the employees laughed at them or something), though it was obviously the company's fault for not checking their product to ensure that it met with proper drinking-straw standards. Who knows? In this lawsuit-crazy country, someone might try it.

Okay, so it was really a random thought. But I'm famous for random thoughts! Anyway, it brought to mind an idea for a little contest for all of you loyal pressing on... fans out there. What's the craziest idea that you can come up with for a lawsuit that just might have a chance in court? Something that's even worse than Ms. I-Don't-Know-That-McDonald's-Coffee-Is-Served-Hot, or my Subway example, etc. I know there's some twisted minds out there in cyberspace who are reading this. Comment away!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

adventures in bode-sitting

A couple of weekends ago, I had the opportunity to dog-sit for my sister and brother-in-law, who took a trip out of town. This served them well (they didn't have to pay for a kennel) and was going to serve me well, as Kelly was supposed to come up and see me on the Saturday of that weekend. Always a good thing. (Exhibit A - Bode, significantly smaller than she is now, but I don't have an updated pic.)

Anyway, I made it down there to find Bode, very ready to be released from her cage. I fed her and walked her, and it was there that I re-learned a few things about dogs.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

German's second law of graduate school

Graduate class tests are designed so that the takers of said tests will not forget that they don't know everything yet. Not by a long shot.

Corollary: the best thing that you can say about a graduate class test immediately after taking it is that it's over.

Thursday, September 5, 2002

German's first law of graduate school

I'm convinced that 90% of questions asked in a graduate class are primarily an attempt of the inquirer to prove his or her high intellectual capabilities to the rest of the class.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

truth in advertising

I thought the ESPN UT commercial was pretty funny, if you ask me.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

the ultimate brush-off

You know, I haven't ever exactly had a whole lot of luck in the love department, but at least I've never been on the receiving end of one of these phone numbers.

Monday, July 22, 2002

we didn't have a holy hand grenade

Death awaited us all, with nasty, big, pointy teeth. (opens in a new window)

Thursday, May 16, 2002

great poll

If you've never been to Rinkworks before, you owe it to yourself to go. They've got tons of fun stuff. But what cracks me up today is the new reader poll. Follow the link and look over to the right.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

ode to pollen, dust, and the like

I stare at my computer
a blank look from my eyes.
My allergies are acting up,
yes, that I realize.

Tissue? Used two boxes,
am into number three.
Still no signs of stopping
My sneezing misery.

I feel as if I'll never
breathe through my nose again.
But I won't take it for granted,
if comes the day I can.

Thursday, January 24, 2002

Twin FAQ

Being a twin, I've been asked many twin-based questions in my life. So for the benefit (and maybe even amusement) of all, I've put together a twin FAQ.

  1. Are you identical? No. She is a girl, and I am a boy. This question has been asked frequently after these facts are already known, which always provides a laugh. I think people are hard-wired to ask this question of a twin, no matter what.
  2. Which is older? She is, by a minute. And she's used that minute to her advantage all our lives. :) (You know I love ya, sis.)
  3. Which is smarter? I don't know. There's no good way to determine whether one person is smarter than another. Is it based on number of facts alone, or subjects, or real-life applications, or common sense? How do you weigh those areas? Suffice to say that she knows more than I do in some areas, and I know more than she does in some areas.
  4. Do you look alike? In some ways, although she definitely favors our mom, and I our dad.
  5. Can you tell when each other is hurt or sick? I don't think so, but I do remember feeling something was wrong the day that she broke her arm back in 6th grade, before I found out.
  6. Which one is the evil one? I think that's best left a mystery. :)

Any other questions that I've forgotten?

Friday, October 26, 2001

Double your fun

Ah, grandparents. My grandfather is something of a kidder. He's always trying to push your buttons if he can, and he's pretty quick-witted.

The other day, he bought one of those Sam's-sized bags of Dubble Bubble bubble gum. You know, the pink, cylindrical gum that loses its flavor in about thirteen seconds? Anyway, he had a couple of pieces in his mouth, and they got stuck. He couldn't get his mouth open enough to get them out.

As he tried to remove the gum, I joked that it was the first thing that I had ever heard of that could keep his mouth shut. I haven't heard my grandmother laugh that hard in a long time. :)

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

Well, that makes me feel loved

I just received an e-mail from my financial advisor. At least, that's what the "From:" field tells me: "Your Financial Advisor".

That's great. I didn't even know that I had one...but then, I guess they'd be a better financial advisor if they knew that I didn't have any finances to give me advice about.

Friday, August 24, 2001

Memphis is just up the road

With your favorite guitar riff in the background:

Well, I've got 15 pounds that I could stand to lose,
Well, I've got 15 pounds that I could stand to lose,
I've got the 23-years-old-and-already-developing-a-middle-age-spread blues.

Tuesday, August 7, 2001

Yes, there really is someone this dumb...

Witness Scott Larson, 26 years old. Mr. Larson lost his baseball cap while looking at Kilauea, an active volcano on Hawaii. Mr. Larson wanted his cap back. Mr. Larson decided to go fetch his cap. By reaching over the edge of the summit crater. Mr. Larson proceeded to fall into the volcano.

As you read this article, a good question to ask yourself is this: Mr. Larson is an officer in the United States Navy. Shouldn't there be a test or something for entrance into the military so that we can weed these people out?

Question 1. What would you do if you were right by the opening of a live volcano and your $10 baseball cap flew off toward the molten lava?

I would just let it go like any sane person.
I would go after the $10 cap like an imbecile.

Yeesh...

Monday, July 30, 2001

Quick 'n easy anatomy experiment

For you who like science experiments in your own backyard, run a gas-powered Weed-Eater for the first time in at least a year without gloves on. It's finger-swellin' fun, I tell ya!

Sunday, February 18, 2001

Yossarian should have it so good

I have one of the best coaster makers in the world. And it only cost me a couple hundred bucks.

Today's adventure begins, amazingly enough, today. I have been realizing that my CD burner wasn't getting much use lately. To justify its initial purchase by reducing its variable cost per CD burned (man, that MBA education's getting good use), I decided to make a "compilation compilation" CD. This term refers to my favorite songs off of what are known as "compilation" CDs, all put onto one CD all their own.

Now, recently, I had been getting irritated at RealJukebox. It's free and all that, but there's a lot of problems that I just can't overlook:

Sigh. So I deleted it.

Anyway, I picked out the songs that I wanted, and recorded them as WAV sound files using the "Easy CD Creator" software that came with the CD burner. What the "Easy CD Creator" people don't want you to know is that "Easy CD Creator" doesn't seem to think that if skips happen during the recording process to a WAV, the user might like to know about this and recopy the song. Oh, no...the program just happily copies the files to the hard drive.

So I get all of the files copied to the hard drive, and start recording the CD. I even put it through "testing" phase (read: wasting another 10 minutes in the name of ensuring the success of the copying process). 20 minutes later, my CD is ready.

I note that in my haste, I misspelled compilation in the title. Twice. My CD is now known as "The Compliation Complilation" to Windows CD Player. No biggie, I say to myself...I'll be the only one to see that. So I make the jewel case covers and everything (changing the title there), and I pop the CD in the drive.

Two minutes, 32 seconds into the first song, the CD skips.

Now I'm somewhat irritated. So I go and listen to the original WAV file that I copied earlier, and I find out what I told you earlier...those two WAV files were copied badly, but "Easy CD Creator" didn't think that was important. I guess it would have been too difficult to prompt the user to copy the song over. And "Hard CD Creator" just isn't as catchy a title.

This is when I remember our friend RealJukebox. For all its flaws, I remember that it does a great job of recording WAV files. I jump online and grab a copy of RealJukebox, all the while listening to my now destined-to-be-under-a-glass CD for problems with other songs. Good thing too...song seven is also messed up.

Eventually the RealJukebox installer is downloaded. I go through the install process, unchecking all of the boxes, telling it I do not want it to be my default CD player, etc. Finally, that whole process is complete. Time to try again.

I get the two CDs that I need to get the songs off of, and copy them using RealJukebox. I listen to them this time, just to make sure. Everything's perfect. I close out RealJukebox.

I now go back to "Easy CD Creator" and set it up to use the two new WAV files when burning this copy. I don't bother to test this time, and everything turns out fine again. I get the CD out and label it.

Ready to hear my now perfect CD, I close all programs and put the CD back in the player. And what pops open as my default CD player?

That's right, friends...RealJukebox.

This turn of events elicits a caterwaul from yours truly.

So now, of course, I'm stuck with a piece of software that doesn't do one thing that I need it to do, but is great otherwise, and a piece of software that I hate, but have to use to accomplish that one thing.

And one new coaster.

Sunday, December 3, 2000

futile attempts at Christmas cheer

I will never be a match for Martha Stewart.

I already knew that, but I lent even more credence to that theory recently. I went to a store to buy some garland to put up on my porch, and some "garland ties" designed to fasten said garland to said porch. I also bought a couple of "Christmas sprays". This was the store's terminology, not mine. I would have called them "pine branch-looking thingies." I was going to fashion these into a centerpiece for my dining room table.

About an hour later, I still hadn't gotten the garland formed into a fashion that I liked. It was bitterly cold outside, and I was suffering from numb fingers trying to fasten the garland ties to the garland and the porch. The garland ties, made out of plastic, kept breaking when I tried to lock them into place. Each time one snapped, a little piece of my sanity snapped with it. I noted that the ties were "Santa's Best" brand ties. I submit that if that's the best Santa can do at making garland ties, he needs to outsource garland-tie making and stick to toys.

Finally, finally, I got the garland in a somewhat festive look. It's still up, so I guess that the garland ties are doing their jobs. Well, at least the ones that didn't break. But it was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.

Moral of the story: when you look at a box (or whatever it comes in) of Christmas decorations, resign yourself to the fact that you will either:

  1. Never get the decorations to look as nice as they look on the box, or
  2. Spend an amount of time roughly equivalent to a week per each of these you use to make it look so.

I had better luck with the so-called "Christmas sprays". Luckily, these are for the most part idiot-proof. All you do is take them and place them opposite each other so that the piece of wire coming out of it (which, for some reason, is approximately as long as the spray itself is) is hidden underneath it. And lo and behold, there you have it!

Now don't get me wrong. I still love decorating for Christmas. I just know that I'm never going to get anyone to pay me to do it. :)