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Q. Can I come over and use your kitchen and cook for you?

A. No matter how many times we get it, this question always makes me laugh. OF COURSE YOU CAN COOK FOR US! WHAT KIND OF A STUPID QUESTION IS THAT????

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Q. Are you, Todd, and Bobby really in a snowstorm in that picture?

A. Well of course we are, idiot...what did you think, that I just had a picture of the three of us in bed together that I superimposed over a snow picture? What kind of an idea is that?

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Q. What happened to Spaceman's Home Page?

A. As time passed, a thin layer of nitrogen developed around the core of the home page. This caused obvious gastrointestinal difficulties, and the doctors said that I should have it removed. We assembled a team of the finest doctors, lawyers, theologians, and hot chicks to discuss the issue, and they decided that it should be destroyed. So in early November, Spaceman's Home Page was jetissoned into space, back toward where it came from.

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Q. No really, what actually happened?

A. I was known as Spaceman by lots of people for a while back in high school, but few of those people are ever around me anymore. The people that I'm friends with now have no clue why my home page was called that, so it really didn't make much sense anymore to keep that name. Moving the page to a new address, without Spaceman in it, gave me a convenient chance to get rid of it.

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Q. You DO have full permission to use all the graphics on your site and are committing no copyright infringements, right?

A. Ummmm...ummmm....oh, danggit, I forgot to do the dishes this week...I'd better go do that...

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Q. What's an incredibly handsome stud like yourself doing with a home page anyway?

A. Thanks, Bobby...I owe you one....oh, crap, I didn't mean to type that! Uhhh...I'm a computer science major, so I need the practice. No matter what anyone tells you, it's NOT because I have nothing better to do! Don't believe the lies! I hate having to turn down all the supermodels that keep calling, but they're starting to get on my nerves...

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Q. I think home pages are cool...I want to make one of my own. How do you do it?

A. It's quite simple, actually. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a package of Internet Fairies. They come in several different varieties and strengths. Choose the one that's right for you. Anyhow, I tell them what I want my page to look like, and every time your computer calls up my page, they swim through the wires to your computer and make the display come up. Isn't technology wonderful?

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Q. Who's the hottest girl from Saved by the Bell?

A. Without a doubt, Kelly. In some ways Jesse has her beat on personality, but Kelly's definitely the better looking of the two.

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Q. What about California Dreams?

A. Tiffany's the best looking, but Lorena's got her beat on personality without a doubt.

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Q. You keep using big words like "algorithm" and "megabyte". What do they all mean?

A. Actually, I didn't.

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Q. Which is worse, to do the right thing for the wrong reason or to do the wrong thing for the right reason?

A. I've never actually had to deal with that, since I never make msitakes.

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Q. Are you really that humble? How do you do it?

A. Yes, I am. Modesty is my middle name. It's easy to be humble when you've got so much great stuff to be humble about.

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Q. Did Jenny McCarthy really sign your guestbook?

A. What kind of a stupid question is that? What do you think I am, some desperate loser who never has people sign his guestbook? Would I really sink low enough to sign my own guestbook to give myself an inflated sense of self-worth?

Well, would I? Be honest...

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Q. Who would win in a fight between Voltron and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?

A. As if you even have to ask. There's only one Defender of the Universe, and he's a cartoon, not some low-quality leftover Japanimation. Although the chick with the pink lion from Voltron and the pink Power Ranger would make a heck of a double date for me...

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Q. If the Tenor Section Sweethearts are really so popular, how come this is the first I've heard of them?

A. Who comes up with these questions? Isn't anybody screenings these things for me? Somebody needs to be fired.

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