Open Letters

At one time or another, just about everyone sees or hears something that's so stupid or makes them so angry that they swear they're going to write a letter to whoever's fault it is, or at least for one reason or another they say they're going to write a letter to somebody. Finally, someone has. Sure, the addressee's will never read their letters, but it's the thought that counts.

To The Protestors
To Kid Rock
To Sarah Michelle Gellar
To Fox 12 and Bama Six
To Mariah Carey
To Toy Story Game Protestors


Dear Protestors in Seattle, Philadelphia, and LA,

When's the last time you changed your opinion about a political or social issue because of a bunch of idiots rioting and fighting with police?

That's what I thought. Never. What makes you think the rest of the country is any different? I support free speech as much as the next guy, and I support your right to legally protest to your pathetic little heart's content. But do you honestly think that doing stupid things and getting arrested, then suing the city and police department over the whole matter helps your cause? The best you can hope for is a lot of people who watch the news thinking, "Wow, those people protesting against xxxxx sure are morons". One could easily argue that such publicity is actually BAD for your cause, although I guess in your warped thinking any publicity is good publicity. Case in point, I honestly can't even remember what the Seattle protests were about. A lot of good those did.

So please, if you want your voice to be heard, do something constructive. Write a book. Make a website. Heck, stand outside a convention with your poster and wave it until your hand falls off. Just try and keep the looting and car-burning to a minimum.


Ricky Eanes


Dear Kid Rock,

You're an idiot. I used to think you were funny, but then I realized that you weren't trying to be're seriously a white rapper-wannabe who was somehow tricked into thinking you have any kind of talent. Shame on you.

Of course, even more shame on the lots of people who have bought your CDs.


Ricky Eanes


Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Huh're like....huh huh...really hot and stuff.


Ricky Eanes


Dear Fox 12 and Bama Six Management,

I've been trying to think of a nice way to phrase this, but I really can't. Your movie theaters suck! They're terrible! The theaters themselves are awful, the service at both the ticket windows and concession stands are awful, your bathrooms are awful...I can't think of much to complement either of you on. If you weren't the only two movie theaters in Tuscaloosa, you would both have gone bankrupt years ago.

Bama Sux, err, Six has particularly bad service. Your theater is ALWAYS understaffed, and none of them ever seem to really know what's going on. I've had to wait 15 minutes in line to buy a coke before. That's just bad business sense. Many more people would visit the concession stand if the lines were one wants to wait in a line that long, ESPECIALLY if it's during a movie. Also, this deal of not being able to buy tickets too far in advance is idiotic. I should be able to go by in the afternoon and get tickets for a movie that keep from not getting tickets if it sells out, or just not wanting to wait in line later. I can at every other theater in the world..

Fox 12, you've definitely got the better of the two theaters, and I don't know anyone who would disagree with me on that. But why do you only open up 1 or 2 ticket windows ever? There's often a 30 minute line just to buy tickets, especially at night on Friday and Saturday nights. That's ridiculous. Also, if you have a concession stand on both sides, why is it that only one of them is ever open?

Security is a joke at both theaters. No one's ever around or watching to keep people from sneaking in. Half the time there's not even anyone taking up tickets. I'd never sneak into a movie (although with the rising prices it's tempting), and it makes me mad to fork out a small investment when I know there's probably a ton of people in there who didn't pay.

I'm not even going to get started on how neither place has stadium seating or a decent sound system.

Just wait, guys...once the movie theater at the 1122 Family Fun Center opens up, y'all will both be driven out of business.

Bite me,

Ricky Eanes


Dear Mrs. Carey,

You have no idea who I am. I'd say that I'm a concerned fan, but I'm really not much of a fan. I'm just a guy who keeps up with pop culture enough to know a little about you.

You've got a really incredible voice. No one's going to argue that fact. I don't think I've ever heard anyone with the range or vocal abilities that you've got. You've been blessed with incredible talents.

In light of this fact, why do you feel you need to dress like a skank to be popular and sell records? I've had a running joke the last few years that came about after watching your videos...that you must be allergic to clothes or something. You're a very attractive woman with a nice body, and I'm not going to argue that fact either. But it seems to me that you feel you need to show a lot of skin, and with a voice as incredible as yours, I just don't think that's true.

I'm not going to disagree that modern society has somehow put the constraints on female singers (as well as actresses) that they have to be really attractive to do well. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, but it's just the way the world is. But why can't you stick to just being a singer who sells her music instead of trying to sell your body as well?

Even the young-uns like Britney and Christina dress rather conservatively when compared to you. Your voice is 18.74 million times better than theirs, but you demean yourself by trying to out-show them. It just seems like a waste of talent to me.

So in conclusion, try to keep it covered. At least leave SOMETHING to the imagination.


Ricky Eanes


Dear Toy Story Game Protestors,

I read in the news that y'all picketed at Disney because one of the bad guys in their new Toy Story video game is a Mexican with a big sombrero and guns and stuff. You claim it promotes a stereotype. And being the politically correct corporation that it is, they're going to change it.

In response to this, I've decided to protest a few other projects. I'm boycotting Titanic, as I feel it makes people prejudiced against icebergs and makes them think that they're all destructive. I will never watch or in any way support Godzilla again, and not because it was a horrible movie. It portrayed mutant lizards as bloodthirsty killers, and this stereotyping must stop! I must also protest against basically every movie ever made by Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, and Chris Farley, as they portray white people as crazy, stupid, and idiotic.

I'm also going to boycott the Toy Story 2 movie, as the main bad guy in it is a greedy white man. This promotes the stereotype that middle-aged white men who own toy stores are selfish, greedy, and don't care about anything else in the world besides money.

Come on, people. Video games and movies have to have bad guys. Those bad guys (except in sci-fi or natural disaster flicks) have to be of SOME race. They happened to choose a Mexican for one of the bad guys in their game, and you protest? I haven't played the game, but I'll bet all the other bad guys in that game are either black or white. Has anyone from these groups said anything about the game? Of course not. Because they're not stereotypes, and neither is the one bad guy in the Toy Story game that was Mexican.

Find something a little more important to waste your energies protesting about.


Ricky Eanes

[back to home] rTe