NEWS FLASH!
TSS, Inc. to be acquired by Microsoft, Inc.
October 7, 1998
(Redmond, WA) - Microsoft, Inc. today completed its takeover of the Tenor Section Sweethearts. The company had sought the honorary organization to help bolster its struggling public relations. News of the takeover stunned the world.

"I'm still in shock...I can't believe this has happened. Bill Gate must die!" commented the long-time poster child of the group, Amy Lipsey. "We fought this as hard as we good, and even the magical power of my hair couldn't stop it".

"I think Bill Gates should be struck by lightning," remarked Tiffany Turner, another original TSS member, "After all, I was when I was little, and it straightened me out." She was interviewed via satellite telephone from the remote desert island she currently lives on.

Bobby West, one of the co-founders of the group, is still in hiding and has not been reached for comment. Sources close to him say that he hasn't taken news of the takeover very well.

"There is no truth to the rumors that we're planning a terrorist attack on Microsoft's headquarters," declared Ricky Eanes, the other founder of TSS. "Obviously, we're not terribly excited about the event, but maybe the timing is right. Maybe it's time we all got on with our lives. After all, Kimberly Hunter is the only TSS still in high school, and we've all got other things to occupy our time now. I've got 1122 Productions to work with now. TSS served us well, but maybe its time was up. Of course, that's not to say that I don't hate Microsoft..."

As part of the takeover agreement, the TSS website has been removed from Ricky's home page.

July 24, 1998
(WASHINGTON, DC) - At a press conference earlier today, the US Justice Department made two important announcements regarding its investigations into Microsoft's takeover of TSS. It was declared that both Anita Manly and Kristin Waters have been cleared of any wrongdoing in the case. The two had been suspected of helping Microsoft get sensitive information about the company from their friends who were in TSS and the groups leaders, Ricky Eanes and Bobby West. Miss Waters and Miss Manly both visited Washington this week under the guise of a choir tour to meet face to face with investigators. Federal Investigator Bob Coulter made the annoucement that "Both girls are no longer suspects in the case, but they sure are cute...".

The other annoucement revealed a probable cause for Microsoft's sudden interest in acquring TSS. Internal Microsoft documents obtained by the Justice Department revealed a failed attempt by Bill Gates to start his own Microsoft Sweeties group several months ago. The group was to be an honorary group for high school girls, which would have put it in direct competition with TSS. The project was scrapped because of difficulty in recruiting girls willing to endorse Microsoft's products.

How this new evidence will affect the ongoing investigation is unclear at this time.


June 10, 1998
(BIRMINGHAM) - New information regarding the source of Microsoft's inside information on the Tenor Section Sweetearts has come about. The US Justice Department is investigating allegations against Kristin Waters and Anita Manly. According to Janet Reno, US Attorney General, "The two girls were very bitter about never getting to become sweethearts, so they offered inside information about the operations and financial status of the company to Microsoft.

When asked about the accusation, Miss Waters replied, "Why would I care about being in that stupid organization? It's not like I'd even want to be a TSS if they begged me. I know they just took Kimberly because of her legs, but that's okay with me. I've learned to accept it. You can ask my therapist...it's totally okay with me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play on the internet."

Miss Manly was unavailable for comment, as reporters could not get past her parents to talk to her.

June 4, 1998
(GREENVILLE) - The Associated Press is reporting that Bobby West, co-head of the Tenor Section Sweethearts, has apparently fled the country in an effort to avoid questions regarding the take-over attempt by Microsoft. Michael Colbert, an investigative reporter for the New York Times, stated that "We all thought he would be here at Furman, so the press descended on this place. But as best we can figure, he's skipped town. I've obtained airline reservations that put him out of the United States." Several different acquaintances of Mr. West reported that they have heard him use the phrase "I'm taking this baby to Mexico" numerous times over the years, so it is speculated that is where he has fled.

When asked what he thought of this manhunt of sorts for his best friend, Ricky Eanes kept quiet. "I've been placed under a gag order regarding the whole TSS matter, and since Bobby's a big part of that, it extends to his whereabouts too."

May 19, 1998
(SEATTLE) - In an unexpected and unprecedented attempt to extend its market-share in the fake honor society segment of the American economy, Microsoft,Inc. announced today that it will be taking over and assuming control of TSS, Inc. Co-founder of the Tenor Section Sweethearts, Ricky Eanes, stated that he had no official comment on the news as of press time. Bobby West could not be reached for comment.

The Tenor Section Sweethearts was founded by Mr. West and Mr. Eanes as a way to meet chicks during their high-school years. It was enormously successful during that time, but the two's move to college and the spreading out of the girls to different colleges around the southeast put a strain on the company's operations. In a highly controversial move this past month, a new Sweetheart, Leigh Anne Long, was added to the organization'sroster in an attempt to rekindle interest. This move was largely viewed as unsuccessful and was rumored to have led to internal problems within the company.

Microsoft head-guy Bill Gates says that "With the addition of TSS toour arsenal of products and services, we now have an elite group of college girls at our disposal for endorsements". The U.S. Justice Department has already voiced concern over this acquisition, and a fierce legal battleis likely.

[back to home page]