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This just isn't going to be as funny as it was when my mom was telling it, but oh well. You'll never know.
As many people do, someone sent my parents a fruitcake for Christmas. My mom always gets excited about this, because she seems to be one of the four people in the world who like getting a gift like this. Anyway, my parents weren't home when the UPS guy delivered the package. Most of the time when packages are delivered and no one's home, they leave it on the front porch, under the front door mat, or behind the screen door or something. Apparently we had a UPS man who thought he was smarter than the average UPS man, so he put the package in front of the garage...I guess thinking it would be seen when they came home easier than it would on the front porch.
The problem is that they didn't get home until after dark, so they never saw it. Dad noticed a thump as he pulled into the garage, but just figured he had run over a hose or a big branch or something. The next morning, as he was leaving to go somewhere, he heard another thump as he was backing out of the garage. Wondering what he had run over twice, he got out and checked, and was shocked to find a crushed UPS package.
The fruitcake tin is really an amazing site. Mom kept it to show to us. They had to use a crowbar to get the top off because it was so smushed in. The even more amazing thing is that nearly all of the fruitcake was unharmed! Even after being run over by my dad's really big Lincoln twice! Mom salvaged most of the cake and put it in an old tin from last year.
I think this adequately proves the thesis from my title.